Unglued Stuffers

Chapter six of the online Bible study book I am going through right now, Unglued, is called "The Stuffers", I thought I was reading about myself when I read this chapter. I don't usually "explode",I usually "stuff". I think sometimes I stuff because it is part of my DNA, my grandmother stopped talking when she was angry, so did my dad (until my mom told him, "you come home from work and still won't talk to me I am leaving", that was years ago and they have been married getting close to 50 years, he started talking to her again, smile. But another reason I think I tend to stuff, I don't want to hurt the other person and I don't want to sound mean, and, well God tells us to use self-control, so that is using self-control, right??? Well, yes, but at the same time if I am not being honest with my words then I am being dishonest and wait......dishonest and Godly don't really go together, so what to do? If I can stuff and then let the problem dissipate then no problem.....all is well. But if I stuff without dissipating the problem or hurt then I am going to build up barriers in my relationships or I am going to collect retaliation rocks to throw at the person when "the last straw breaks the camels back". Lysa Terkeurst says "open communication is the life-giving oxygen that fuels good relationships", we sometimes have to set up boundaries but we should try not to set up barriers. Some examples of boundaries are, "If you continue to be thirty minutes late to events, I will take a separate car", "I want to bring the grandkids to see you but if you just surf the web while we are there, it's not worth it to come". These are just a couple of examples Lysa gives. You see boundaries give us honest transparency but when we stuff, no one knows exactly what is wrong and so barriers begin. Sometimes I stuff things inside that probably aren't even a truth, for example, someone might say something to the effect about not working as a negative,and if those words are spoke in front of a stay-at-home mom she starts thinking, well I don't work so I don't contribute much and this thought gets stuffed, it is a lie but we stuff enough that soon we believe it. Then whoever made that comment becomes someone we think doesn't think highly of us because we stay home and guess what we set up a barrier and soon that relationship may dissolve. So we need to resolve this thought and either just let it dissipate or go and talk to this person, find out what they meant, most likely they were not even talking about you and they see your job as a "true job" and a hard job. But if it truly is a problem and that person is very difficult then we must remember our job is not to fix people, that is God's job and also remember our Bible verse, "Stay alert, Watch out for our great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8 Our fight isn't against another person, it is against Satan, he just uses people to get to us many times. Sometimes though I am not "stuffing" what someone else has said, whether it is something that was said to be hurtful or it just hurt me and I started to believe a "lie", when what was said wasn't even meant to be hurtful at all, sometimes I stuff unrealistic expectations. We start thinking "I wish my mom was more like her mom", I wish my husband was more romantic or more involved with the kids when he comes home from work","I wish my friend had more time for us to do stuff together", "I wish my child were more like ___________", etc. when we start stuffing these thoughts we build up retaliation rocks and soon they are unexpected hurled at someone and that someone is usually someone you are closest to, most likely your husband. The one you feel most comfortable with, the one who is your best friend, and guess what when you start hurling those rocks.....you have just lost all self-control. We need to take our expectations to God and ask him to help us with discernment. Are our expectations realistic? If not let it go, if they are realistic go to that person and talk to them about it, don't stuff! With God's help I can improve. Again it is going to be imperfect progress but it is very much worth working on. As Lysa says "Feelings are indicators, not dictators, child. They can indicate where your heart is in the moment, but that doesn't mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around. You are more than the sum total of your feelings and perfectly capable of that little gift from Jesus called self-control. We are children of God made to walk in truth with soul integrity."